Our crazy week.....

This was Jared this week:

And all of us for that matter...

This week seems to be one of those crazy weeks that you hope will not overflow to the next week. I don't think I"ve slept more than 3 consecutive hours since Sunday. Monday was full of stress because Taylor would not quit throwing fits and tantrums, which included locking herself in the van with this keys still in the ignition. After some time, I coaxed her into rolling down the driver-side window for which I quickly unlocked it and grabbed her out. In an effort to keep her from getting back in and doing it again, Dylan quickly jumped in, rolled up the window and locked it, quickly jumping out locking the keys still in the ignition. Jeff came to unlock it because the hidden key was not to be found. I of course was late for my 11AM appointment in I.F. which of course made me late for the 1PM with Dylans aide. Tuesday was full of stress because we recieved word that a little girl in our ward (8yrs. old)who has been fighting lukemia for the last 7 months (at Primary Childrens in SLC)had taken a turn for the worse. We awoke in the morning to find that she had passed away. So on top of Dylan having a very trying day, I was trying to figure out how to tell the kids. I told them that night, before bed. There were many tears and tissues involved, but they grasped it alright. Wednesday also included one of the worst days I've ever seen Dylan have. He lashed out at me, hitting me in the face, biting my finger(which throbbed for hours)Thursday, both of the boys had speech therapy at 11AM and thankfully my mom took one while I took the other. Today, I took Dylan to a chiropractor in hopes of getting him help some how. All of this does not include the rants of the kids while they fight, meltdowns, errands ran, helping my mom with the new computer, scanning hundreds of pictures for histories sake, dishes, laundry, trying to establish a garden, keeping in touch with therapists and case workers, scheduling future appointments, working tonight and tomorrow night,etc...etc...etc... While wondering what the term "Summer Vacation" means.

The upcoming week does not look much better. It includes Fathers Day, my sister-in-laws birthday, a funeral, Dylans first trip to the dentist, meeting a new nurologist for Dylan, therapies for Dylan and for Jared, the van needs an oil change and a new windshield(in a terrible way), the clothes dryer sounds like its almost done, two nights of work, the lawn needs mowed, got to plant the garden,etc...etc...etc... With Jeffs two sisters birthdays just after that. LOL!!!!! (I'm sure you all can relate, but I appreciate the chance to vent and release = )

Am I silk?

I have to share an experience that I had yesterday that was one of those 'AWHA' moments, but I have to back up just a little bit.

I have had a hard time as of late meshing and conversing with some of the other mothers of the same age of kids in the ward, neighborhood, community etc. because I feel so different from them. I work, I have kids that are classic kids and I'm not like everyone else. Upon appearance and looking at them, watching them, and listening to them, they make it sound like they have it all together. "This kid is doing so and so and is great, and this kid is doing so and so and is great." Now don't get me wrong, I too am a believer that everyone needs optimism in life but doesn't reality ever bite these people too? They just seem too perfect. My kids are not perfect, I think everyone knows that. Dylan and his physical hangups and issues that he still deals with today leaves me feeling so different than the other moms I see. Taylor also suffers consequences of Dylan's behavior and so many times my heart goes out to her. (I hope she is never too scarred by our family.) Jared's personality is still developing, but he absolutely loves to run up onto the stand at church in the middle of sacrament meeting, or a whole host of other things that I know others look at us and go, "Ugh, why can't you people get it together!?!" In summary: I am flawed and different. So many others around me are great moms and have perfect standing in the community. Not me.

Anyway....So I was sitting in one of the most beautiful rooms on this earth, the Celestial Room at the nearby Rexburg Temple. I had been taught and was pondering upon many things, looking at the chandeliers, reading the scriptures when my eyes were caught upon the flowers in the room. They of course were so beautiful. The flowers, the tall ferns the garland of ivy leaves. They were 'perfect'. (Then the AWHA moment.) Then the impression came to me that they were fake. Of course they were perfect, because they weren't real. I remember a fireside done by artist Leon Parson, who talked about how in nature, real things are flawed. Leaves or petals are not symmetrical. Apples and tomato's are not truly circular. You only see the truly perfect in silk, in something being fake.

Well ladies and gentlemen. There is my epiphany. I am very real. I am not silk, I am not fake. I am very flawed and with that Heavenly Father can work with me. And in that I can know him. If I were to be silk there would be no need for him to make me better and in turn, no opportunity to know him. Thank heavens for flaws.

Lyrics to 'What I've Done'

"What I've Done"

In this farewell

There’s no blood

There’s no alibi

‘Cause I’ve drawn regret

From the truth

Of a thousand lies

[Pre-Chorus:]

So let mercy come

And wash away

What I’ve done

[Chorus:]

I'll face myself

To cross out what i’ve become

Erase myself

And let go of what i’ve done

Put to rest

What you thought of me

While I clean this slate

With the hands of uncertainty

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

For what I’ve done

I start again

And whatever pain may come

Today this ends

I’m forgiving what

I’ve done!!!

[Chorus]

What I’ve done

Forgiving what I’ve done

Now I want you to know that I don't usually listen to such hard music, but the lyrics of this one are really poignant to me right now. So here are the lyrics to go with the head banging.

Memorial Day Weekend

We had a good Memorial Day Weekend. It was really rainy. Sometimes that just doesn't seem fair. The weekend before, I had to work but it was 80 degrees outside. This last weekend, I had off but it was cool and super wet. So ladies and gentlemen, don't worry. I work this weekend, so it should be nice!!!

We took flowers to the Rexburg Cemetery for Jeff cousin who passed away in 1995 due to cancer. Jeff's aunt lives in Minnesota and so that is something we do every year. She orders the flowers and we pick them up and and take them to the cemetery. It's not a big deal at all because it presents the opportunity to explain to the kids what Memorial Day is all about. On Sunday, we went to the Parker Cemetery to visit some more family markers there.

Of course on Monday, more rain, which made it really hard to be able to play. So I took the kids to the local entertainment hub in Rexburg, (Yes, we do have one) and we went bowling. I think it was their first time bowling. They had so much fun. (Sorry to report, I forgot my camera. There would have been great pictures.) Dylan came out champion with 97, Taylor a close second with 90, Jared scored an amazing third with 80, and Melissa in last place with a disappointing 67. The kids had the bumpers and mom didn't. I hadn't bowled since before I met Jeff. We still all had a great time. It was so funny to see the kids jump up and down with their success and high five each other and give each other hugs. Jared would sit down next to the fowl line and have the ball between his legs and push the ball then quickly stand up and clap, yelling "ball, ball."

After bowling we went to Broulims and got some 'Take-n-Bake' pizzas and some ice cream and continued the party at home.

Remembering.....

I know that 3 posts in one day might be a little much. But I've been working the last couple of nights and I wanted to catch up a little bit and share with you some thoughts. Monday May 19th, in addition to going to the zoo was also a little milestone for me. Three years ago May 19th 2005, Dylan had his first craniotomy, brain surgery. He was of course 3 years old. I say first only because he has had two. The second came March 17, 2006. I've been thinking about that and the difficulty that as parents, the decisions we make on behalf of our kids, as well as how much the human body can endure. It is quite remarkable and can withstand more that I had previously given thought to.

The first surgery was due to a abnormal growth in the right temporal lobe of his brain that we found due to a speech delay. During that procedure, his amygdala was removed(which affects emotion and behavior) and the frontal part of his hipocampus was removed (which affects memory and retention). Tough blow to a 3 year old. Results showed that he had a glylialcytoma, a benign tumor.

(That big C is where his scar is. His hair grows over it now.)

The second surgery was due to fluid filled membrane that was increasing in size at an alarming rate, in the same place as the first surgery. Because of his MRI's there was also some question about some cancerous tissue growth as well. I'll never forget the morning of his second surgery, talking with his neurosurgeon, Dr. Kestle at Primary Children's Medical Center in SLC, about the need to consult an oncologist when pathology came back. Jeff turned to me and asked what an oncologist was. It's the cancer doctor, I told him. For all the gratitude in the world his pathology came back clear. But this 2nd surgery came exactly 3 weeks before Jared was born. I was as big as I've ever been and my ankles were the size of grapefruit. But you do what you have to do, because, what else are you going to do?

Today he is doing good. We still face issues about his impulsive behavior and his lapse of memory, but we are so truly grateful for what we've learned and what Dylan continues to teach us every day. We still take an annual trip to Primary Children's for an MRI, check-ups, and we try to play too so it not all about inflicting more torture, or about the 'mean doctors.'