11 years ago...

I have heard of reference of others reading my blog, wondering why I post what I do, perhaps feeling that I'm TOO personal. I personally have no problem with what I post. I promise, if I don't what to share something, I won't. And so that is the great thing about my blog....its mine.

(I know, I know...many pounds and 3 kids ago!!!)

11 years ago today. If I were to be there looking ahead to here, I certainly wouldn't have guessed that this is where I would be. Again, I know that this must seem incredibly personal to some of you. But as I reminisce and hope that with each passing year, some dates will get easier, I can't help but think of the blessings I have because of my 10 year marriage. They are too numerous to count. The 3 obvious ones are named Dylan, Taylor, and Jared. Then in turn the blessings, lessons, jokes, hugs n' kisses, love, profound phrases, 'childisms', silly giggling fits, testimony building experiences, bedtime stories, walks n' talks, endless questions, feeling like a jungle gym, rock-a-bying, and being in a position for which Heavenly Father must feel like at times; all of these and more have become mine thanks to Jeffery Scott Durtschi. I'll never forget the day a couple of years ago, the kids and I were driving up to Island Park. As we were coming up the Ashton Hill, we came upon the forest and Dylan became so excited. "Mom, look...look a tree mom look!!! Did you see that tree!?! Oh WOW!!! A rock, MOM, did you see that rock!?! Huh Mom?? Look Mom, look, ANOTHER TREE!!!" I couldn't help but laugh, but reflected upon Dylan's gift to look at each individual creation amidst the whole forest. Thru all of his Drs. appointments, MRI's, brain surgeries (for which we marked the 5 year anniversary of his last one on March 17th), and his ability to do what he is able to do is remarkable, if I will stop to remember and take it all in.

If I see a slight miracle in him EVERY day, is it any less a miracle?

Even though Dylan and Taylor are only 17 months apart, I have no doubt that she was to come when she did. Before she even got here, she gave me that faith promoting experience. I've been told by employee at the kids' school about the day that Taylor was explaining Dylan to everyone. That is Taylor. She is very tenderhearted, wanting to make sure that others are taken care of, that turns are taken and that others are included. As explained in my previous blog post, I appreciate her innocence. She truly helps me to see 'thru the eyes of a child'. Jared is a bit of a comedian. He holds the market in our house for invoking laughter. He is so busy. He is extremely independent but still loves to be the 'baby'. Tonight, he was trying to convince me that I needed to put his P.J's on although he will be 5 years old next week. He certainly keeps me going....and going....and going....and going. I appreciate his eagerness to be helpful, especially in the kitchen. There is never a shortage of hugs and kisses when it comes to Jared, and he gives them frequently and openly.

In addition to those blessing, I have also become more thoughtful in my prayers, more thoughtful of others, as we all have peaks to climb. Having the 'spirit to be with me' is a little less clique and a lot more real. Although I'm not very good at it yet, I'm working on living.

Yesterday was my birthday.....and I had clinicals. I had a patient with pancreatic cancer. He had a great attitude and a loving wife. I thought about it being my birthday, how he probably only has one more birthday himself. And as I thought about it, I decided that although I was no longer married, that I could still go out and LIVE. Of course if I were married or even dating, that I would have gone out to eat and to celebrate. I wondered why that would change just because of my current relationship status. I decided that it shouldn't matter and so I went....and had a good time. That doesn't mean that I'm any less self conscious about going to a concert or out in general alone...I still am. I just want to press forward. I will just work on remembering these (of course, what else??) quotes:

"Cowards die many times before their deaths,

The valiant never taste of death but once."

-Julius Casear-

I just want to be strong

At the end of the road

I don’t want to hold on

I want the strength to let go

-Lee DeWyze-

Just Because...

About a week ago, I got a nasty cold sore. It was smack dab in the middle of my bottom lip. Don't you just hate the feeling you get when it starts and you know that its coming on?? I HATE THAT!!! (D0n't worry, I started poppin' my L-Lysine, my Vit A , and my Calcium...) Monday, Taylor noticed. She looked and looked and looked. She started to ask me questions. "Mom, what is that?" I told her it was a cold sore. She kept staring... "Well, what happened?" I looked back at her and said that it was just something that happened. She looked even closer. "I mean, how did it get there?" I looked back at her, thinking that perhaps I was confused. I waited for a moment. Then it dawned on me. Every 'boo-boo' or every 'owie' she had experienced had come from a known cause. She had gotten hurt because Dylan hit her, or because she had fallen. Her legs hurt from growing pains or her baby toe was bleeding cause she cut it on the rocks because she was not wearing her shoes.

Of course I could have gone into the dissertation of the herpes simplex virus, type 1 and how it can be dormant...and on and on. But I didn't. I just told her that sometimes things just happen. Since then, I have reflected about that. How innocent it is of her, as she is not quite 8 (she will be in May), to still not understand that sometimes things just happen...and we may not know why. I wish I had the answers to why one family has six kids and couple that has been trying for 6 years doesn't. I wish I understood why one baby that looks perfect went back to heaven so quickly while one baby who had the cord around its neck 5 TIMES is still here. (I saw it for myself just last week.)

I'll wrap this up with a quote, (because I'm really into quotes right now).
This is from Neal A. Maxwell.

When in situations of stress we wonder if there is any more in us to give, we can be comforted to know that God, who knows our capacity perfectly, placed us here to succeed. No one was foreordained to fail or to be wicked. When we have been weighed and found wanting, let us remember that we were measured before and we were found equal to our tasks; and, therefore, let us continue, but with a more determined discipleship. When we feel overwhelmed, let us recall the assurance that God will not overprogram us; he will not press upon us more than we can bear (D&C 50:40).